n my fantasy world, I have my last game as an on-ice official all planned out.

Turnabout being fair play, I intend to skate up and down my side of the ice, screaming obscenities at players, coaches, and fans. If the goalie lets in a soft goal, I'm going to get in his face and ask him if he was born stupid or if his idiot mother mistook him for a basketball when he was little and dropped him on his soft head. If a winger misses a pass, I'll ask him if he is deaf as well as blind and dumb.

If the team lines up with two few players on the ice, I'm going to skate up to the coach and ask him if he's learned to count to five yet in kindergarten. And if he ever has too many men on the ice, I'm going to skate by the bench and do the fake-clapping thing that coaches love to do. Then I'll hand out a "too-many-players-on-the-ice" penalty.

Continued...